The Avengers: Endgame; All the Spoilers for the Ultimate Social Justice Movie By Uncle Len, Resident Lunatic at the Movies

     I am aware that there is a no spoilers code about reviewing this movie, and that the directors, the Russo brothers begged fans not to reveal the plot. That is why I am going to spill my guts here. If you have come to this website via the magic of Google stay tuned because we have everything here. Take me for example, a genuinely mentally disturbed person, who lives in a small tool shed, and writes movie reviews. Others talk about more serious financial stuff, which is beyond me, but check it out. What you may ask gives with these movie reviews, how is that possible? Well, my social worker comes and takes me in handcuffs, sometimes to movies to relax me, as part of my therapy …  but wait you want the spoilers, so here goes, dear new friends …

     Ok, well, the first part of the movie has Iron Man and cyborg Nebula heading back to earth, only problem is Iron Man will die, not from rust but lack of oxygen. Nebula is ok being a robot. Then the uber-feminist super-woman Captain Marvel comes by, rescues everybody, goes to Earth. All very DC.

     She throws her weight around as the typical feminist, just like the real actress did when her Captain Marvel movie premiered, being sick of being interviewed by white dudes. Was she sick of these people paying good money to see her stuff? The Black guy, War Machine, calls her out and even the uber politically correct Captain America rolls his eyes. Then they get in the spaceship and find bad guy Thanos, and Captain Marvel holds him while Thor, this time cuts off the arm with the infinity gauntlet on. But,  Thanos destroyed the stones, so it was all for nothing, they can’t bring back half the universe, which may or may not be bad. Anyway, this time Thor goes for the head, and beheads Thanos.

     So, five years pass and Thor out of guilt becomes a drunk with a beer gut, Bruce Banner and the Hulk merge into an emasculated Professor Hulk. But suddenly Antman comes back from the quantum realm, and a “time heist” is plotted to go back in time and get the infinity stones. There is a lot of poo tipped on better movies such as Back to the Future about time travel, but this film then goes and breaks every rule it sets out, such as not to interact with one’s past self. Thus, Captain America fights his past self, and the present Nebula shoots and destroys a past version of herself, with no resulting “Grandfather” causal paradox. In fact, the film was scientifically absurd even to someone like myself who knows little about quantum physics, which was not taught at the mental institution I lived in most of my life.

     Anyway, the first Avenger to die is the Black Widow who sacrifices herself to enable Hawkeye to get the soul stone. Good riddance I say. Then the Hulk gets the entire set of stones on a new gauntlet Tony Stark made, does the snap, and brings back half the universe that was killed by Thanos in the last movie, except the Black Widow, who presumably is inside the soul stone. Good, stay there.

     Thanos in the past gets word of the Avenger’s plan to bring back the universe, and then, by some way not exactly explained, manages to get to the present with his entire army (everybody else came and went through a man-sized machine), and then the big battle begins. He aims to get all of the stones and destroy the universe down to the last atom, and rebuild it. Ok, he fails in this, even though he manages to get the gauntlet again. Ironman has some device on his glove that captures the stones. He does a snap that destroys Thanos’s army and then Thanos, all fading to dust. In the leadup to this we see Captain America pick up Thor’s old hammer Mjolnir and via the Odin spell, get the power of Thor. All the comic geeks liked this.

     Ironman dies from using the stones because of radiation poisoning but mainly because Robert Downey Jr’s contract was up. Big funeral scene. Captain America then goes back in time to return the stones, as this apparently will prevent causal paradoxes, which is nonsense because numerous branching time lines have already been created. Anyway, he stays back in time to marry his past sweetheart Peggy, then is returned to the future, all old like me, to give his shield over to the black guy War Machine, who does not need it, being more super powered anyway. War will probably store it in the shed, or use it as an ice slide.

     Thus, the Black Widow, dead, Iron man dead, and Captain America retired, all those whose contracts have expired. Thor goes off with the freaks in the Guardians of the Galaxy, including a talking tree and something that Thor calls a rabbit, so maybe Thor will continue, but who cares. Lose some weight.

     Overall, good special effects, but sickening social justice feminist rhetoric from Captain marvel, so blatant that the characters in the movie seem agitated by it. I was amused that in the first part of the movie, she had a reasonable girl haircut, long and stylish, but in the second part of the movie, she gets a butch haircut. The black guy even has another go at her. I clapped when in the final battle with Thanos, Thanos took off the power stone and hit her right out of the movie. Hey, girl power!

     Off course this movie will do well because of the special effects, but its plot was almost entirely predictable and if one did not maintain a constant suspension of belief, this would be absurd even for a superhero movie. Overall, minus five stars out of five, which is a good rating for me.

Authorised by K. W. Grundy
13 Carsten Court, Happy Valley, SA.