Sheer “Academic” Feminist Nonsense! By Professor X
Here is my abstract for an article to be written for the Journal of Lesbian Studies! (Joke and spoiler alert, parody follows, with an explanation paragraph 4!)
In this groundbreaking exploration, by Right wing toxic masculine blogger, Professor X, we unleash the leash on traditional human-dog dynamics, proposing a radical rethinking of fetch as a queer feminist act of resistance! Meet Rover-X, the cyborg terrier with a penchant for subverting the patriarchy one tail wag at a time. Through a lens of lesbian-coded circuitry and eco-erotic dog parks, we sniff out the intersections of synthetic fur and natural desire, where doggy treats become tokens of interspecies solidarity. (And we get yet another notch on our publication record, for writing absolute bunk!)
Our study romps through "ecologies of love" (think muddy paw prints on a rainbow flag) and "violence" (the inevitable tug-of-war over the last squeaky toy), asking: can a Roomba-mounted GoPro capture the tender gaze between a butch android and her border collie soulmate? Spoiler: yes, but only if the battery's charged. This is a tale of becoming—less Deleuze, more Scooby-Doo—where the cyborg canine collective barks back at binary norms, proving that love is a bone worth burying, and the future is a leash-free romp in the meadow of the mind.
Does that make any real sense? Of course not; it is just word garbage. And of course I will write no such paper; I would prefer drinking ground-up razor blades than doing that! (Don't do that at home kiddies!)
But how about the academic paper that inspired this, from the March 8 2025 edition of the Journal of Lesbian Studies, with the title of the "analysis" being: "Queer Canine Becomings: Lesbian Feminist Cyborg Politics and Interspecies Intimacies in Ecologies of Love and Violence"? This masterpiece of postmodernism is by Chloe Diamond-Lenow, she/they, her pronouns, who is an assistant professor of women's and gender studies at SUNY Oneonta. The paper offers a "queer lesbian feminist analysis" of "lesbian-queer-trans-canine relationalities" and "the interconnected queer becomings of people, nature, animals, and machines amidst ecologies of love and violence in the 2020s." "The entanglements of violence and love in these queer dog relationalities provide insights into the complexities of queer and lesbian feminist worldbuilding. Lesbian and queer feminist cyborg politics can help theorize the potentials and challenges of these interspecies entanglements," Diamond-Lenow writes. What?!
I for one think this is just academic bs, like my own introduction, produced in the day care centres of the universities. But all of this is standard in the postmodern circus of academia; trust me, I hear a lot of it. And taxpayers are paying them to write this stuff.
Society would be better without the universities, and with academics getting real jobs like pick and shovel work on outback highways.
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