Sad News for Lesbian Vegans By Mrs Vera West

     This is for me, the saddest story to be dumped in my waste paper bin this week. I cried my eyes out, used up an entire roll of toilet paper (can’t afford tissues, which are too flimsy anyway):

“A "woke" vegan café in Melbourne's trendy suburb of Brunswick says it will be closing down. Handsome Her, a café advertised as a safe space for women and lesbians, made headlines in 2017 when owner Alexandra O'Brien announced a controversial business plan. One week every month, Handsome Her charged men 18 percent more than women. The excess charge was donated to women's charity. The café also prioritised seating women before men during this week. However, the vegan eatery has announced it will close on April 28, after just two years of business. "When we opened Handsome Her in 2018, we expected that perhaps we might make a stir through our brazen and public discussions of structural inequality," the café announced on Facebook. "The man tax blew up the internet, an idea we didn't think was too radical and yet the way the world responded showed us how fragile masculinity is and solidified the necessity for us to confront and dismantle patriarchy," the post continued.

"While it is a shame to lose the physical space (and we understand how essential it is for women and lesbians to hold space), we leave knowing that the communities we have made transcend the trendy vegan café on Sydney Rd, Brunswick." Men's rights activists were overjoyed at the news. "Get woke go broke!" Men's Rights Australia posted on Twitter. "By making your male customers pay more for just being male, you ended up paying the ultimate price..suck s#$t!" wrote another person.” Yes, shocking toxic masculinity on display here, and material for any number of student sociology essays. In fact, late as it is tonight there will be Arts students out there, somewhere, frantically typing out an essay on this theme, working late into the crave yard shift. Karl Marx would be proud.

     Here is a nice vegan story to cheer people up, anyway, like a cup of hot mushroom soup:

     In other shocking news, some crazy guy in the land of crazy people ate a squirrel in protest against vegans:

“Shocking video shows an anti-vegan protester eating squirrel – a week after he was seen eating a pig’s head. The pony-tailed protestor wearing a “VEGANISM = MALNUTRITION” t-shirt was seen holding the decapitated squirrel and eating its insides at the Soho Vegan Market on London’s Rupert Street. He also had what appeared to be a roasted woodcock tied around his neck in the footage taken by a bystander. As he tried to explain the reasons for his protest, a shocked onlooker can be heard asking him: “Why are you doing this? I eat meat, but I don’t do this.” The man – a YouTuber known as “Sv3rige aka Goatis” – was filmed calmly being handcuffed and searched by police. The Met Police said two people were arrested for public order offenses at around 3 pm on Saturday but did not confirm if he was one of them. Sv3rige is believed to have been part of a planned demonstration by meat-eaters. Soho Vegan Market founders said: “We were unaware of the planned protest on Saturday, do not condone the actions of known anti-vegan YouTuber Sv3rige and are disappointed that it disrupted what is normally a vibrant and diverse weekly event. “We would like to thank the police and others who reacted quickly to prevent any further disruption or upset to our patrons and stall holders and look forward to getting back to the normal Soho Vegan Market vibe next weekend.”

     I eat meat, but I don’t eat raw squirrels to protest against other people’s nutritional philosophies. After all, where would I get a squirrel in the first place?

Authorised by K. W. Grundy
13 Carsten Court, Happy Valley, SA.



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Sunday, 03 July 2022