Operation Safe Space: A Modest Satirical Proposal from Your Friendly Neighbourhood Thoughtcrime Prevention Unit (Satire), By Richard Miller (Londonistan)
London, 22 November 2025 – Home Secretary Yvette "Hugs Not Hate" Cooper today unveiled the government's bold new policing strategy that finally solves the online-speech epidemic once and for all. Why waste time and money chasing down 10,000 individual offenders every year (see link below), sending actual officers to actual doors because someone in Scunthorpe called a politician a bellend? That's so 2024.
Instead, starting 1 April 2026, every white British adult will be declared pre-emptively guilty of "Probable Future Gross Offensiveness" and placed under indefinite house arrest. It's simpler, it's fairer, and best of all, it's déjà vu, exactly like the Covid lockdowns, but this time we're honest enough to admit it's permanent.
The Key Features of Operation Safe Space
Automatic Criminalisation at Birth (White Edition)
No need for tedious investigations. If you're pale and over 18, congratulations – you're already a criminal. Saves paperwork.
Ankle Monitors Pre-Installed at Chemists
Pop in for your flu or 20th COVID jab and walk out with a complimentary electronic tag. Two-for-one Tuesdays.
The "Two-Metre Rule" Returns – But for Opinions
You may now only express government-approved sentiments within a two-metre radius of your own kettle! Shout anything spicier and the tag gives you a mild electric reminder that words can indeed be violence (to the grid).
Window Signs Mandatory
Every front window must display the official poster:
"This household is under loving house arrest for the safety of minorities.
Please feel free to be as racist as you like inside – we can't hear you and frankly we're exhausted."
Permitted Exercise
One hour per day in your back garden, providing you wear a gimp mask with the words "I AM LEARNING" printed on it and promise not to make eye contact with neighbours in case direct gaze is interpreted as a microaggression.
Food Delivery
All groceries will be delivered by drone. The drone will also read your shopping list aloud to the street so the community can decide if your preference for Yorkshire Tea over imported quinoa constitutes cultural imperialism.
Exceptions
Ethnic minorities, trans individuals, and anyone who has ever been within 50 metres of a Palestine flag are exempt, because – and this is crucial – they are statistically incapable of wrongthink. Science.
Projected Savings
100% reduction in burglary clear-up rate (already 90% unsolved, so basically no change).
0 police officers required for street patrols – they can all be reassigned to the new National Centre for Excellence in Monitoring Your Group Chats.
£17 billion annual saving on prosecutions. That's almost enough for another commemorative coin celebrating diversity.
Early Adopters Speak Out (From Their Living Rooms)
Darren, 42, from Barnsley:
"Honestly it's a relief. I was terrified I might accidentally say something problematic while reaching for the remote. Now I don't have to leave the sofa. My fitness tracker says I've done 38 steps this month – personal best."
Karen, 56, from Tunbridge Wells:
"I used to worry my bridge club WhatsApp might get me arrested. Now we just play bridge on a government-approved app that automatically replaces any potentially offensive word with '[REDACTED – stay 10 penalty points]'. Much more civilised."
A Home Office spokesman, speaking from his third home in Tuscany, said:
"We considered arresting people one by one, but that felt discriminatory. This way everyone gets equal treatment – unless, of course, you're from a protected characteristic, in which case please carry on posting whatever you like. We're not monsters."
Critics have called the plan "authoritarian," "Orwellian," and "a bit racist," but ministers insist it's simply the logical endpoint of a decade of trying to police comedy.
As the slogan goes:
"Stay home. Stay silent. Save lives." Because nothing says "land of hope and glory" like 30 million pasty people under permanent house arrest for the crime of being white while potentially having an unapproved opinion.
Yes a joke but reality is catching up, fast:
https://reclaimthenet.org/uk-police-make-10000-arrests-over-offensive-online-speech
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