Net Zero Necromancy: The Ultimate Send-Off in the UK’s Green Inferno! By Richard Miller (Londonistan),

In the grand British tradition of turning solemn moments into bureaucratic farces, the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) has unveiled a plan to make crematoria the latest battleground in Ed Miliband's crusade for Net Zero by 2050. Yes, dear reader, even the dead must now kneel before the altar of climate righteousness! Forget a dignified farewell; your loved ones are now conscripted into a slow-roasted eco-spectacle, where electric ovens and marathon burn times ensure their final act is as green as it is grim. Welcome to the ultimate expression of Net Zero madness, where the afterlife comes with a carbon footprint audit.

Picture the scene: a quaint crematorium, once a place of quiet reflection, now transformed into a dystopian eco-factory. Gas-fired ovens, those reliable workhorses that dispatched souls in 50 minutes to two hours (depending on the dearly departed's BMI), are being sidelined for electric cremators that hum with self-righteous sustainability. But here's the rub, DEFRA admits that burning coffins, corpses, and all their accoutrements still churns out emissions, green electricity or not. So, to appease the climate gods, the new rules target the real villains: mercury from dental fillings, toxins from coffin glue, and the unholy fumes of embalming fluid. It's like sending Grandpa off with a posthumous detox, courtesy of a 1,000-degree spa treatment.

The pièce de résistance? Crematoria must now burn bodies back-to-back, no breaks allowed, to "retain heat" and save energy. It's a macabre conveyor belt, where efficiency trumps empathy, and the funeral director becomes a grim shift manager. "Next, please!" they'll bark, as Mrs. Thompson's eco-roast holds up the line for Mr. Davies, who's got a three-hour slot thanks to his robust frame. This isn't a farewell; it's a production quota straight out of a Kafka nightmare.

And oh, the costs! Mike Birkinshaw of the Federation of Burial and Cremation Authorities estimates a cool £18 million industry-wide hit, with £55,000 per crematorium just to install nitrous oxide scrubbers. Add the expense of swapping gas ovens for electric ones, hiring extra staff to cover the extended shifts (because electric cremations can drag on for three hours for larger bodies, twice as long as gas), and maybe tossing in a few extra biscuits for the mourners stuck waiting in the lobby. Who knew laying Aunt Edna to rest would require a budget line item rivalling a small wedding?

For the bereaved, this is less a goodbye than a test of endurance. Gas ovens were swift; electric ones are a slog, turning a sombre hour into a half-day ordeal. The industry, built on gas-powered efficiency, faces a death knell of its own, fewer cremations per day, soaring costs, and a backlog of bodies that could make the local morgue look like a rush-hour tube station. And for what? A symbolic dent in emissions that DEFRA admits won't vanish, no matter how many wind turbines power the pyre.

Ed Miliband, the high priest of this green necromancy, preaches Net Zero as if it's better than sliced bread, but this is policy as parody. Chasing mercury from fillings and glue fumes while the grid itself remains a fossil-fuel Frankenstein is like mopping the floor during a flood. It's performative, it's absurd, and it's a slap in the face to families who just want closure, not a climate lecture. The real kicker? These rules don't even solve the problem, corpses will still emit, coffins will still burn, and the planet will keep turning, Net Zero or not.

In this brave new world of eco-eschatology, Britain's dead are conscripted into Miliband's green inferno, their final moments stretched into an eternity of environmental virtue-signalling. As we drag our decaying country toward 2050, one can't help but wonder: when even the crematoriums are shackled to arbitrary targets, what's next? Carbon offsets for gravestones? Solar-powered tombstones? Rest in peace? More like rest in prolonged, electrically induced limbo. The living may yet envy the dead, but at least they're done with the Zero Net paperwork.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2025/09/13/funerals-comply-net-zero-labour/