It Seems like False News, but it is True! By Chris Knight (Florida)
In the most mind-boggling example of government inefficiency yet (and trust me, we've had some contenders), Elon Musk and his Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) have found themselves face-to-face with the federal bureaucracy's greatest relic: a limestone mine in Pennsylvania where federal employee retirements are processed by hand, using paper! Yes, you read that right—paper. The kind you use to write things down, manually. And it gets better: this outdated system has been plodding along since the 1970s, and it's been doing so 230 feet underground, where you'd think they were processing gold, not retirement paperwork.
The mind-bending reality is this: if you're a federal worker and decide to retire, you can expect to fill out forms—no digital magic here—and then have those forms delivered to a limestone cave, where 700+ mine workers process them in cardboard boxes. Apparently, the process is so slow it could take months for your retirement to go through. Welcome to the "futuristic" world of government paperwork.
In true Musk fashion, he described the whole operation as a "time warp" and remarked that the elevator, which carries retirees' paperwork out of the mine, is often the "limiting factor" for how fast retirees can actually retire. When the elevator breaks down, no one can retire. Imagine working in a mine that doubles as the bureaucratic heart of government retirement—and getting stuck in an elevator. That's government inefficiency for you.
Fox News had a field day with this story, as Musk's DOGE took aim at the absurdity of it all. According to DOGE, the mine processes about 10,000 retirement applications per month, a process that takes "multiple months" to complete. And for the cherry on top, we've wasted $130 million trying to digitize this system since 1987, but to no avail. So much for technological progress, right?
The Washington Post got wind of this strange operation back in 2014, describing it as a "weird" workplace filled with file cabinets, five-drawer units, and employees who've been processing paper since the dawn of time—complete with easy-listening music playing in the background to calm the souls of those still working with physical documents.
Meanwhile, Democrats are having a meltdown over the thought that Musk might actually do something useful here and drag this mine's operations into the modern age. Heaven forbid we use technology to fix government inefficiency! The Democrats, of course, are not thrilled about the idea of digitizing this ancient system, which could lead to major government reforms and—dare I say it—massive layoffs. But no matter. Musk, with his signature confidence, declared that "the people voted for major government reform," and reform, they shall get.
So, as the clock ticks on, Iron Mountain's days might be numbered, and this ancient relic of bureaucratic stupidity may finally meet the digital age. Maybe, just maybe, a few more elevators won't break down before that happens.
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