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Why I am a Hopeless Drunk and Doomed By Uncle Len, Like Dino the Little Old Wine Drinker
Wow, what a pessimistic lot we are this week. I put it down to lack of alcohol rather than coming nuclear annihilation, but then the thought occurred to me after seeing the below article, that I was talking gibberish. I explain. What is it like to suddenly discover that not only are you dead, but that you have been dead for a long time, all the while thinking that you were really alive? That is the story of my life, or is it death?
“Drinking will shorten your life, according to a study that suggests every glass of wine or pint of beer over the daily recommended limit will cut half an hour from the expected lifespan of a 40-year-old. Those who think a glass of red wine every evening will help keep the heart healthy will be dismayed. The paper, published in the Lancet medical journal, says five standard 175ml glasses of wine or five pints a week is the upper safe limit – about 100g of alcohol, or 12.5 units in total. More than that raises the risk of stroke, fatal aneurysm (a ruptured artery in the chest), heart failure and death. The risks for a 40-year-old of drinking over the recommended daily limit were comparable to smoking, said one leading scientist.
“Above two units a day, the death rates steadily climb,” said David Spiegelhalter, Winton professor for the public understanding of risk at the University of Cambridge. “The paper estimates a 40-year-old drinking four units a day above the guidelines [the equivalent of drinking three glasses of wine in a night] has roughly two years’ lower life expectancy, which is around a 20th of their remaining life. This works out at about an hour per day. So it’s as if each unit above guidelines is taking, on average, about 15 minutes of life, about the same as a cigarette. “Of course, it’s up to individuals whether they think this is worthwhile.”
Well, of course I believe that this is worthwhile, otherwise why, apart from severe addiction, would I drink? What else do I have in life? Given my chronic alcoholism, which I have had for over 60 years, and the trillions of litres of wine which I have consumed, I worked out that not only am I dead, but I have a negative life span! I have consumed so much alcohol, by the calculations of this paper, that I should be absorbing the life essence of other people, and reducing their life span, like a black hole sucking in matter! Worse still, I spend most of my time sitting, so much so that I have calluses on my butt. That too is supposed to kill you:
Ok, enough bad news, I need to sit down and have another long stiff drink. That’s better.
Editor’s Disclaimer: Boys and girls, do not follow the example of Uncle Len, who has serious mental problems, and is not cool. Don’t do drugs, and that includes alcohol and lots of sitting down. Get out in the sunshine and throw a ball around, chase birds, go fishing and be active. Eat your vegetables and clean your teeth. Fall in love, marry, have children, then grandchildren. Then die and go to Heaven. Or, you could wind up like this cranky old man.