Is Australia God’s Laboratory? By James Reed
I have written before that new world countries like Australia and America are social experiments in liberalism, to see if the fundamental natural laws that have governed human societies since the beginning of their existence can be over-ridden in favour of money economies, and the rule of commerce. That being so, this idea of a grand experiment has been taken even further by the car man, Jeremy Clarkson, who likes to say crazy things, but things which still have a serious sting to them:
“I’VE suspected for some time God didn’t want people to live in Australia. He created it as a continent far, far away where he could house all his experiments that had gone wrong. It was his under-the-stairs cupboard for stuff he wanted to forget about. Like, for instance, the saltwater crocodile. He designed it, built it then realised it was far too savage and bitey to live in, say, Milton Keynes. Or the poisonous redback spider which likes to hide under lavatory seats so it can bite a man’s penis when he sits down to do his number twos. No way could God have that living in Europe or the US. He also made a lot of snakes. Some are very pretty and some are very impressive. But occasionally it all went wrong and he ended up with something that could kill a fully-grown man with one small bite. And again, these could not live in populated areas. He needed a home for all these things, so he made Australia. And to make sure people didn’t go there, he put a huge coral reef on the approaches and filled the interior with a sea of sand that goes on for ever. He even used this remote outpost to house some of his more ridiculous ideas. Stuff he came up with when he was drunk. Like those birds that can’t fly and that otter with a beak. Then you have the kangaroo, which gets about by bouncing, and the koala, which is permanently stoned and catches chlamydia if anyone ever picks it up. For millions of years, this big, sandy cupboard under the stairs went unnoticed. But then along came Captain Cook and now the world knows all about Oz and its stupid, dangerous creatures. Plainly, God is embarrassed. Because he’s decided to set fire to it. It’s been argued the fires raging across the country were caused by global warming or out-of-control barbies. But when you look at the footage, you know something biblical is going on. Those things are huge.”
While obviously meant tongue in cheek, and somewhat disrespectful to God, the point remains that Australia is a tough place to live. The environment, once one gets away from the air-conditioned nightmares of the cities, is a challenge. Yet Aussies overcome, and we will overcome the latest rounds of bushfires and rebuild. There is no need to lapse into Biblical apocalypse mode yet, for there are too many other existential threats to worry about.