ICE Babies? Bringing Babies to ICE Protests: A Good Idea for Child Care? (SATIRE), By Chris Knight (Florida)
"My baby's first protest was magical," gushes one progressive mother while strapping a tiny "Abolish ICE" onesie onto her 9-month-old amid sub-zero wind chills and flying pepper balls. "He's already chanting 'No borders, no nations' in baby babble. We're raising the next generation of revolutionaries… or at least resilient to tear gas by age 2."
In the frozen hellscape of Minneapolis 2026, where ICE agents are apparently the new SS according to every blue-check virtue-signaller with a Subaru, a new parenting trend has emerged among the latte-Left: Child Shielding 2.0. Forget baby-wearing at farmers' markets — now it's baby-wearing while blocking federal vehicles, surrounding agents in human chains, and turning strollers into mobile barricades. Because what better way to teach empathy than exposing Junior to the thrilling possibility of getting trampled in a stampede or catching a rubber bullet to the sippy cup?
"I just can't in good conscience leave little Evergreen at home with the cis-het nanny-bot while Mommy decolonises the border patrol," explained activist-parent Sage Willowbrook, 29, as she pushed a double-wide stroller loaded with protest signs, oat-milk thermoses, and a toddler who appeared to be questioning his life choices.
Multiple therapy possums (the official emotional-support animal of the resistance) have been traumatised just witnessing the scenes. Safe spaces now come equipped with heated tents, noise-cancelling earmuffs for infants, and emergency "Trauma-Informed De-escalation" colouring books depicting ICE agents as cartoon fascists getting politely asked to leave.
At a presser flanked by clergy in Kevlar stoles, a notable Democrat reportedly declared: "These brave mamas are showing the world that family values mean dragging your pre-schooler into a potential riot zone so the regime can't claim we don't care about kids. If a toddler gets flash-banged, that's on Trump for making us do it. Thoughts and prayers? No — demands and reparations!"
The DNC has quietly rolled out emergency merch for the brave new breeders:
"My Kid's First Riot" baby bib (machine-washable tear-gas residue)
"Future Felon for Justice" toddler onesie with reinforced knee pads for crawling through barricades
"I Brought My Baby to a Melee and All I Got Was This Lousy PTSD" mug (for when the optics pay off… or don't)
At publishing time, anonymous sources deep in the globalist-funded NGO ecosystem were overheard whispering: "Phase 3 is simple: maximum optics. One viral photo of a crying toddler in mittens clutching a 'Melt ICE' sign next to a fallen rioter, and the narrative flips forever. Bonus points if the kid gets a boo-boo from a riot shield — we'll call it 'state-sponsored child abuse' and fundraise off it for 2028."
Final quote from a masked organiser cradling a bundled infant: "If we can't risk our children for the revolution, what kind of monsters are we? The kind who stay home and let fascism win, that's what."
