Harvard University to Teach In-Coming Woke Dope Students that x + 3x = 4x! By Chris Knight (Florida)
Picture this: Harvard University, the ivory tower of intellectual elitism, where the air smells of old books and older money, has hit rock bottom. Once a beacon of brilliance, it's now offering—brace yourself—remedial maths courses for its incoming students!
Yes, you heard that right. The crimson-clad brain trust, the alma mater of geniuses and presidents, is rolling out Math 101: Counting for Dummies because, apparently, their latest crop of whiz kids can't tell a plus sign from a pretzel twist. Welcome to the woke apocalypse, folks—where the only thing dropping faster than standards is my faith in humanity.
Let's set the scene. It's move-in day at Harvard Yard, 2025. The freshmen shuffle in, clutching their acceptance letters like golden tickets, their eyes wide with dreams of curing cancer or at least curing their TikTok algorithm. But wait—what's this? A professor in a tweed jacket, looking like he's about to cry into his tenure, hands out abacuses and crayons. "Welcome to Math Xa," he whimpers, "where we'll learn that 2 + 2 equals… well, whatever you feel it should, as long as it's inclusive." The Geller Report didn't mince words: "WOKE DOPES: Harvard University Now Offering Remedial Math Course to Remedy Incoming Students' Deficiencies." And oh, the deficiency is real—apparently, these kids aced their SATs in Interpretive Dance but flunked Finger Counting 101.
The culprit? You guessed it: the unholy trinity of Covid, DEI, and a public school system that decided algebra was less important than feelings. The Harvard Crimson—because even their student paper sounds like it's judging you—admits this is a pilot to fix "gaps in foundational algebra skills." Gaps? These aren't gaps; they're craters you could lose a Tesla Cybertruck in. We're talking kids who think "X" is just a social media platform, not a variable. Who needs quadratic equations when you've got equity workshops? Who needs geometry when you can deconstruct a triangle's oppressive angles?
Imagine the classroom chaos. Little Timmy, fresh from his gap year protesting systemic mathsism, raises his hand. "Professor, isn't multiplication just colonial violence against numbers?" The prof, sweating through his bowtie, nods nervously. "Yes, Timmy, but let's try to respect 5's personal space while we add it to 7." Across the room, Sarah—pronouns "she/calculator"—is sobbing because fractions trigger her. "Why does 1/2 have to be less than 1? It's so hierarchical!" Meanwhile, the TA's handing out participation trophies for anyone who can spell "pi" without googling it.
The Geller Report blames the "Leftist indoctrination" that turned Ivy League brains into mush. And honestly, they're not wrong. When your high school swaps trig for trigger warnings, you get Harvard freshmen who think a hypotenuse is a hippo's snooze button. The article's dripping with righteous fury: "Destruction of the American mind!" it screams, and I'm over here picturing a dystopian Harvard where the only equation is "Woke + Dope = Nope." These kids aren't solving for Y—they're asking why Y identifies as a letter in the first place.
Picture the syllabus: Week 1, "Counting to Ten Without Toxic Masculinity." Week 2, "Subtraction as Reparations." By midterms, they're debating whether infinity is culturally insensitive to finite numbers. The final exam? A group hug where everyone gets an A for effort—unless you're a straight white abacus, then it's a C for privilege. The Geller Report says collapse is certain when ideology trumps excellence, and I say it's already here when Harvard's remedial math sounds like a daycare for the mathematically marooned.
In this brave new world, Harvard's not producing Einsteins—it's churning out kids who'd lose a duel with a slide rule. The Crimson claims it's just a "pilot," but we know the truth: it's a white flag. The woke dopes have won, and the only thing these students will calculate is how many baristas it takes to fund their gender studies PhD.
So come to Harvard, ye bright-eyed dreamers—bring your crayons, leave your logic, and pray the real world doesn't ask you to split a cheque. Class dismissed!
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