Don’t Post Earthy “Compost” Emojis in Germany! By Richard Miller (London)
In a bold move to strengthen the European economy, Germany has officially introduced its groundbreaking "Poop-to-Euro" policy, where citizens can now be fined a precise €600 per faecal-themed emoji used in online discourse. The policy, which experts are calling "both fiscally irresponsible and hilarious," comes after a German man was slapped with a hefty fine for sending a digital turd to Green Party co-chair Ricarda Lang.
"This is a step toward a more civil and respectful internet," said an anonymous German official while nervously deleting his own WhatsApp history. "We strongly believe that poop-themed criticism is both harmful and economically viable. Everypoop emojiis now a potential stimulus package."
The story exploded after SpaceX CEO and part-time Twitter drama enthusiast Elon Musk weighed in, declaring the fine an assault on free speech. Musk, who has long advocated for humanity's right to post low-effort memes, quickly took to X (formerly Twitter, formerly an okay website) to shine a spotlight on the case.
"Wait, so you can get fined for using a poop emoji? But what if it's constructive criticism?" Musk posted, before immediately changing his profile picture to an AI-generated swirl of brown ice cream.
In response, Germany's Ministry of Digital Decorum (a department created just five minutes ago) clarified that their new policy only applies to "malicious poop," but not "accidental poop" or "satirical poop." However, when asked how the government determines the sincerity of a turd emoji, the spokesperson simply stared into the distance and whispered, "We don't know anymore."
Meanwhile, economists predict the fines will generate at least €10 billion by 2026, with the German government already considering expanding the program to include eye-roll emojis (€450), passive-aggressive thumbs-ups (€275), and any use of Comic Sans (€999).
Citizens across Germany are now scrambling to audit their digital footprints. "I had no idea I was sitting on a goldmine of fines," said one concerned X user, scrolling through ten years of snarky replies. "I could lose my house over a tweet from 2015. Thanks, Merkel."
As the controversy rages on, one thing is clear: in modern Germany, freedom of speech is still alive and well—just as long as it doesn't smell funny.
Yes, this dirty story came but two days after US vice president J. D. Vance warned about the loss of free speech across Europe. And he certainly stepped in the big one!
"Highlighting the ludicrous state of free speech in Germany, Elon Musk highlighted the case of a man who was fined €600 Euros for using a poop emoji in a tweet directed at Green Party politician Robert Habeck.
JD Vance's warning about the retreat of free speech across Europe during the Munich Security Conference caused a collective hissy fit amongst the political establishment.
However, his comments were proven correct just two days later when 60 Minutes aired a bizarrely congratulatory piece lauding the German authorities for conducting house to house raids targeting people who had posted 'offensive' or 'insulting' material online.
The piece also highlighted how in Germany it is literally illegal to call a politician an "idiot," or in another case point out that Green Party politician Ricarda Lang was fat (she is fat).
Musk drew attention to a news story from November last year concerning a man from Saxony-Anhalt, who posted on X about his feelings towards Robert Habeck, Federal Minister for Economic Affairs and Climate Action and Vice Chancellor of Germany.
"Mr Habeck, you are such a lying piece of (poop emoji)," the man tweeted.
The post was in relation to Habeck's role in phasing out oil and gas heating systems in buildings throughout Germany in favor of a switch to green energy.
After it was implemented at the start of last year, the policy resulted in a sharp increase in heating bills for homeowners.
The German citizen was merely expressing his disdain for Habeck at having drastically increased his cost of living.
After Habeck filed a criminal complaint about the post, the man was later convicted and fined €600 euros for "insulting individuals in public office, slander and defamation" under Section 188 of the Criminal Code.
Shockingly, as of last year, Habeck had filed at least 805 criminal complaints of a similar nature, including one which led to a pensioner having his home raided for merely retweeting a meme that was deemed insulting to Habeck.
JD Vance was right."
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