Oh, the sweet symphony of chaos! As President Trump (yes, again) unleashes his master plan to transform 23 hulking warehouses across the nation into mega-detention centres for ICE's latest haul of border-jumpers, the streets are erupting like a bad case of liberal indigestion. Los Angeles? Dumpster barricades and bottle-tossing tantrums. Portland? Tear gas parties with flash-bangs for the whole family — strollers included! And don't get me started on Minnesota, where anti-ICE "observers" outnumber actual agents like vegan options at a tofu festival, all while protesters storm Target stores chanting slogans that make about as much sense as a Kamala Harris word salad.
But hold on, while these warehouses are a stroke of genius (think: endless square footage for stacking cots like IKEA rejects, complete with chain-link charm and fluorescent lighting to really drive home that "welcome to America" vibe), we're missing the low-hanging fruit. Why limit ourselves to dusty industrial relics when we've got prime real estate sitting idle, practically begging to be repurposed? I'm talking about universities, those taxpayer-funded fortresses of far-Left fantasy where "revolts against civilisation" aren't just encouraged — they're the core curriculum!
Picture this: Harvard Yard, once a breeding ground for pronoun patrols and safe-space snowflakes, now retrofitted as Harvard Holding Facility #1. Those gothic spires? Perfect for watchtowers. The endless lecture halls? Ideal for group processing sessions where detainees can finally learn something useful, like "Borders 101" or "Why Trespassing Isn't a Human Right." And let's not forget the endowments — billions sloshing around from Saudi sheikhs and Chinese benefactors. Redirect that cash to fund more ICE vans, and suddenly Yale's bulldog mascot is patrolling the perimeters with a badge and a bad attitude.
Why universities, you ask? Because these bastions of "progress" have been championing the very mayhem that's filling up those warehouses in the first place! Remember the 2020 "mostly peaceful" protests that torched cities while tenured professors tweeted their approval from tenured safety? Or the campus encampments where trust-fund revolutionaries waved Palestinian flags and demanded "intifada" while blocking Jewish students from class? These places aren't educating; they're incubating the next wave of Antifa apprentices and open-borders agitators. By turning them into detention centres, we're killing two birds with one stone: housing the arrested masses and giving the faculty a front-row seat to the consequences of their own rhetoric.
Imagine the efficiency! Berkeley's Free Speech Movement Plaza becomes the Free Deportation Zone. Columbia's Low Library? Renamed Low-Tolerance Lockup, complete with gender-neutral cells for maximum inclusivity. And for the pièce de résistance, NYU's Bobst Library — those endless stacks of Marxist manifestos? Converted into bunk beds for the overflow from the southern border. Pro tip: Use the gender studies departments as interrogation rooms; after all, nothing breaks a tough nut like a mandatory seminar on "toxic masculinity."
Of course, the howls from the Left would be deafening. "But my academic freedom!" they'd cry, as if freedom includes harbouring illegal entrants or teaching that America is just a "social construct" built on stolen land (spoiler: every nation's built on something stolen — ask the Romans). The ACLU would sue, celebrities would virtue-signal from their gated mansions, and CNN would run 24/7 coverage of "heartbreaking" scenes: a sociology prof in zip ties, lamenting the loss of his sabbatical to study "systemic oppression" from the inside.
But think of the upside! Enrolment plummets? Good — fewer baristas with $200K debt. Campus diversity? Skyrockets with actual global representation, straight from the detention line. And for the detainees? A crash course in real-world civics: "See, kids? This is what happens when you skip the visa queue and crash the party uninvited."
Trump, if you're reading this (and let's face it, you probably are), don't stop at warehouses. Go big. Go bold. Turn those Leftist lairs into the ultimate re-education camps — wait, no, detention camps. Because nothing says "Make America Great Again" like repurposing the problem to solve the problem. Civilisation will thank you!
https://michaeltsnyder.substack.com/p/a-volcano-of-fury-erupts-in-the-streets