Gather round, children of the free and enlightened West, for I bring you the greatest military thriller of our time.
Title: Operation Flashlight McDroneFace
Plot summary: For weeks in late 2025, the entire continent of Europe collectively lost its ever-loving mind because someone spotted blinking lights in the sky at night. Naturally, the only possible explanation was that Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, a man who commands one of the world's largest nuclear arsenals and an army that can level cities, had decided the best possible use of Russian military intelligence resources was to send Boris and Natasha across the continent with a $299 DJI Mini from Best Buy, complete with the little LED party lights still turned on.
Because nothing says "advanced hybrid warfare" like a drone you can buy on Amazon Prime with free two-day shipping.
Act I – The Panic
Belgian airports shut down.
Dutch F-16s scrambled (presumably to dogfight a toy).
German Patriot batteries moved into position (range: 100 km; target altitude: 40 metres).
NATO emergency meeting convened.
€500 million immediately allocated for "anti-drone drones" because obviously the solution to a €200 hobby drone is a €50 million military drone.
All because some air traffic controller looked out the window and saw… lights. Moving. At night. In the sky.
Truly, the Red Army has never been more cunning.
Act II – The Investigation
Expert after expert was wheeled in front of the cameras:
Military analyst #1: "These drones have enormous headlights. Classic Russian intimidation tactic." Military analyst #2: "They're clearly mapping our defenses." Military analyst #3 (retired colonel, very serious face): "This is worse than 1962."
Meanwhile, actual drone experts were quietly pointing out that "enormous headlights" is what happens when you leave the anti-collision strobes on. Like every single drone on planet Earth does by default. For safety.
But facts are bourgeois. We had a narrative to protect.
Act III – The Dramatic Reveal
After three weeks of continent-wide hysteria, the Belgian authorities finally admitted the terrible truth:
It was a police helicopter. And a cargo plane. Doing helicopter and cargo plane things. At night. With their legally required lights on.
The Russian super-stealth drone fleet had, in fact, been the Brussels equivalent of Uber Eats and the cops checking if teenagers were smoking weed behind the hangar again.
Epilogue – The Shopping Spree
None of this stopped the Belgian Minister of Defence from flying to Latvia to proudly purchase €500 million worth of brand-new anti-drone drones. Because nothing says "we learned our lesson" like spending half a billion euros to shoot down police helicopters.
He also took lessons in "strategic communication," which is the new woke word for propaganda. The first rule of strategic communication club? When you mistake a FedEx plane for a Russian invasion force, definitely announce it on Facebook as a major diplomatic victory.
Bonus Round – The Dutch Air Force
Not to be outdone, the Royal Netherlands Air Force announced they had "used ground-based weapons to shoot down drones" over a military base.
The drones then "left and were not recovered."
Translation: They missed. Fired actual military weapons. At nothing. And the nothing got away.
Somewhere in a Dutch bunker, a very confused sergeant is still trying to file an ammunition expenditure report for "one engagement with enemy ghost drone, result: drone achieved escape velocity, possibly now in low Earth orbit."
The Moral of the Story
If Russia ever does decide to spy on Europe, they won't need drones.
They can just hire a Belgian teenager with a phone flashlight and a dream. He'll get better footage, cost less, and cause exactly the same level of NATO panic.
But please, whatever you do, don't tell the Minister of Defence. He's still shopping for anti-teenager drones. Budget: €2 billion and rising.
In related news, the European Union has officially changed its motto from "United in Diversity" to "If It Flies, It Spies."
Sleep tight, comrades. The Naughty Russian is in your garden shed right now, charging his €79 toy drone next to the lawn mower.
And this time, he remembered to turn the lights off.
https://words.mattiasdesmet.org/p/the-naughty-russian-and-the-drone