Ah, Melbourne's CBD: Home to artisanal coffee, world-class street art, and now, the annual Leftist Temper Tantrum Jamboree. On Sunday, what started as a peaceful "March for Australia" rally, y'know, those pesky conservatives like me politely asking for saner immigration policies, devolved into a full-blown playground brawl. But fear not, dear readers! The real heroes emerged: Victoria Police, wielding pepper spray and rubber bullets like beleaguered babysitters, and the villains, most of the legacy media, who spun the chaos faster than a toddler denies eating the cookies.
Picture the scene: Up to 800 "anti-racism" warriors, clad in their signature black hoodies, keffiyehs, and that one guy with a Palestinian flag draped like a superhero cape, descended on the State Library. Armed with signs screaming "No Neo-Nazis!" and "Stop Fascism!" (because nothing says "stop fascism" like hurling glass-shard bottles at cops), they marched down Swanston Street like an angry flash mob from a bad zombie flick. Their target? A static group of March for Australia folks chilling at Parliament House, chanting slogans about "ending mass immigration" without so much as flipping a bird.
But oh no, equality! The counter-protesters, fresh from their "professional protester" gigs at the Land Forces expo (because nothing screams "activism" like crashing events for paycheques), couldn't let those Right-wing grannies have their say. They dodged barriers, lobbed rotten fruit, torched bins, and, get this, chucked bottles filled with shards of glass. One unhinged megaphone maven screamed "F*** you, Nazi scum!" on loop, drowning out speakers while pitying any nearby parents shielding their kids' ears. (Pro tip for the Left: If your "peaceful" protest sounds like a rejected Black Mirror episode, maybe chill.)
Enter the cops: Human shields on horseback, forming lines to keep the two groups from converging (because apparently, "fascism" means letting people speak). A female sergeant got her hand stomped, allegedly broken, while a senior constable took a gash to the leg deep enough to make a horror flick blush. Riot shields cracked like cheap piñatas. Commander Wayne Cheeseman, holding up a box of confiscated projectiles declared: "Melbourne has had a gutful." He called out the "issue-motivated groups on the left" for coming masked, hooded, and umbrella-ed (because nothing says "I'm not hiding" like tactical rain gear), while praising the Marchers as "peaceful, engaging, and following instructions." The commander was in command and did a great job; three cheers for the police the heroes of the day!
At least one arrest, more footage under review. And in a plot twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan (American horror film maker), an e-bike-wielding counter-protester ploughed into the March crowd, clipping an elderly woman who ended up on the ground, attended by friends, while the assailant got cuffed and screaming. (Update: Did that make the 7 p.m. news? Spoiler: No, but we'll get to the media in a sec.)
This, folks, is peak Left: The eternal spoiled childhood, where "anti-fascism" means throwing tantrums at anyone who disagrees, and "inclusion" stops at your ideological driveway. It's like watching overgrown toddlers in Che Guevara onesies: They demand the world conform to their whims, but the second reality bites back (or in this case, kicks a cop), it's everyone else's fault. Remember the 2020 BLM riots? "Mostly peaceful" fires, they said. Or the 2024 campus encampments? "Protests," until they block ambulances and chant for intifada. Same script: Disrupt, destroy, deny. Because growing up means accepting not everyone gets a participation trophy, or a veto on free speech.
And the media? Ah, the enablers of eternal adolescence. While The Australian spilled the beans on the Left's rock-throwing rampage (good for them), legacy outlets like The Age and ABC twisted the narrative into a funhouse mirror. The Age? "Racist slogans heard" (eyewitness Jon Rattin: "Didn't hear any") and "groups converged" (reality: Counter-protesters charged at the static Marchers). ABC's evening news? Crickets on the cop assaults, zero mention of March for Australia or the glass bombs. But oh boy, they had hours for sympathetic "No Kings" rallies in the U.S., interviewing moonbats about "fascist threats" like it was a TED Talk. Why? Because if a conservative raises a finger, it's "insurrection." If the Left hurls a Molotov, it's "passion."
It's a study in omission: Blame the "ultraconservative" Marchers for "demanding an end to mass immigration" (gasp! Actual policy debate!), while the "professional protesters" get a pass as plucky underdogs for trying to injure people. The Age emphasised "two men in black" (oooh, spooky NSM vibes), ignoring the megaphone screed or e-bike assault. It's classic: Media as mummy, excusing Junior's mess because "he has big feelings." In their world, the Left's violence is "contextualised" by "systemic oppression," while conservatives are the real monsters for... existing. No wonder trust in MSM is tanking; Pew polls show only 32% of Aussies believe them in 2025, down from 60% a decade ago. (Shoutout to the X eyewitnesses and citizen journalists filling the void, democracy's new referees.)
Look, I'm no bleeding-heart: Pressure from all sides is a problem, and free speech should mean everyone gets a megaphone (even if it's screaming nonsense). But the Left's playbook, smash, scream, slander, reeks of arrested development. They call others "fascists" for wanting borders (irony: Actual fascism crushes dissent, like trying to drown out a rally), yet their "eternal childhood" excuses every bruise. It's why they never grow up: Why evolve when the media will mummy you forever?
Commander Cheeseman nailed it: "It's got to stop." Until then, here's to the cops who shielded sanity, the Marchers who marched peacefully, and the sceptics calling BS. Melbourne: You've had a gutful? We all do. Time for the Left to graduate or get a timeout.