We are familiar with the threat to marriage, and the birth dearth in the West, and now in East Asian countries such as South Korea, Japan and China. But now there is the next level of decay, the breakdown of romantic relationships. We first heard of this from Japan, where young males were not having girlfriends, as the girls were not interested, so the young men retreated into video games. But now it has been revealed that women like being single, much more than men. It seems that there is a rush now to human extinction, with a perfect storm of forces now at work:
Stereotypically, women are the ones who are pining for a romantic partner and yearning to center their lives around a spouse. By that way of thinking, being single should be more of a problem for them than for men.
In contrast, men supposedly can find satisfaction in their jobs and in sowing their wild oats. Typically, it is not men who fantasize about their wedding day or collect some male equivalent of bridal magazines. (I don't think there are any.)
But is all of this true? Are single women really less satisfied with their singlehood status? Are they really yearning for a romantic partner more than single men are?
In a paper just published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, "'Sisters are doin' it for themselves': Gender differences in singles' well-being," University of Toronto psychologists Elaine Hoan and Geoff MacDonald addressed those questions.
The researchers analyzed data from nearly 6,000 single people who had participated in 10 studies. There were nearly equal numbers of men and women and 29 nonbinary people. The single people were at least 18 years old (the average age was 32) and were not in a romantic relationship at the time of the study.
In Every Way, Women Were Happier Than Men with Their Single Lives
On every question that was asked in the study, single women were more comfortable than single men with their single lives. They were happier with their current romantic relationship status. They were less likely to want a romantic partner. They were more sexually satisfied. And they were more satisfied with their life in general.
Are women just generally more satisfied than men, even if they are in a romantic relationship? For overall life satisfaction and sexual satisfaction, the answer is yes: Partnered women were more satisfied than partnered men. But partnered women were no more satisfied with their romantic relationship status than partnered men.
Where single women really stood out from single men, and partnered women, was in their satisfaction with their romantic relationship status. On average, single life suits single women. They like it and they are not very interested in being in a romantic relationship.
Why Are Women Happier Than Men with Being Single?
To explain their findings, Hoan and MacDonald suggest that women may be happier single because they are more likely to have supportive relationships beyond romantic relationships. They also speculate that heterosexual romantic relationships are less rewarding for women because they do more than their share of household chores and tasks. Also, their sexual pleasure may be undervalued relative to men's in romantic relationships. The researchers also suggest that as women's incomes get closer to men's, there is less of an economic advantage for them to marry; they believe that financially, single men "have more to gain from partnering than do single women."
All of these potential explanations have merit and are worth including. However, they seem to be generated from a couple's perspective. I think we can benefit from the insights that come from taking a singles' perspective on the experiences of single life.
Thinking about Gender Differences from a Singles' Perspective
In Single at Heart, a section where I discussed gender differences included this:
"Studies have shown that on average it is women, more than men, who seem to take to single life. They like it better. They like their solitude more. They spend more time pursuing their interests. They are more likely to have fulfilling friendships—they are good at connecting and staying connected with the people who matter to them. Domestic chores are not a challenge; they've often been raised to know how to cook and clean. Single women who were previously married to a man often express relief at no longer doing more than their share of those tasks and of caretaking too."
Do you see why this is a more singles-centered set of explanations than the ones offered by the Toronto psychologists? Here are a few key points:
1.From a couple's perspective, happiness is about having a romantic relationship. For single people to be happy, it would help to have other relationships, such as friendships. It is true that relationships with friends, family, and others can be important to single people. In fact, I've argued that single people may benefit from having "The Ones" instead of just "The One."
2.But when I ask people who are single at heart what they like about single life, they don't just talk about the people in their lives. They also talk about the fulfillment they find in pursuing their interests and passions, their appreciation of their freedom to curate a life that they find especially meaningful and authentic, their experience of solitude as welcome rather than scary, and much more. To understand gender differences, it would help to consider those matters too.
3.From a couple's perspective, what matters about household chores is whether each person in the couple does their fair share. That can be salient to single people who were previously married. But from a perspective centered on the experiences of single people, especially those who live alone, what matters is getting everything done. Although gender norms are evolving, single women are still more likely to know how to do domestic chores, and that can make single life easier for them.
4.It is true, as the researchers suggest, that women's sexual pleasure can be deprioritized in heterosexual romantic relationships. Again, though, that discussion centers sexual satisfaction within a romantic relationship. A singles-centered perspective would ask whether single people are getting the amount and kind of sex that they want, when they want it (including the possibility of wanting none at all). A singles-centered perspective might also ask about experiences beyond pleasure—for example, whether single people can pursue certain sexual experiences with less guilt than a conventionally coupled person would experience.
5.The researchers' discussion of income compares the relative advantages of men if they were in a heterosexual romantic relationship instead of being single. In "Single and Flourishing," I explained why it is important to understand single people's experiences in the context of a whole system of inequality that advantages coupled people and disadvantages singles. With regard to work-related factors such as income, married men tend to be paid more than single men, even when their qualifications are the same. Employers also express more interest in interviewing married men for job openings than single men with the same records. Those are some good reasons for single men to be dissatisfied with their experiences of single life."