Support groups now offering "Trauma Kits" containing lavender essential oil, a weighted blanket embroidered with "Defund Everything," and one (1) Get Out of Jail Free card that expired in 2020
Minneapolis, Day 8 of The Great Consequence Awakening™: Local progressive influencer and self-described "eco-anarchist cat dad" River Evergreen has not left his apartment since the now-infamous "Subaru Standoff." He spoke to reporters through a cracked door while wearing noise-cancelling headphones and three N95 masks (for the vibes).
"I used to feel so empowered flooring it toward those stormtroopers in my carbon-neutral death machine," River said, voice trembling. "Now I'm having panic attacks every time I hear an engine. What if the next time I try to yeet a federal agent into the next life, he… yeets back? With bullets? This country was literally founded so I could run people over without fear of mild paperwork."
Across the nation, similar scenes are unfolding:
In Seattle, a formerly militant Antifa chapter has rebranded as "Accelerate Awareness Collective" and now holds daily "Mindful Idling" circles where members practice gently revving in neutral while reciting affirmations: "My SUV is a tool of liberation… unless physics disagrees."
Portland's most aggressive bike bloc has issued a new manifesto titled "Wheels Are Violence Too: A Reckoning," demanding that all motor vehicles be classified as hate symbols and replaced with unicycles painted like trans flags.
A well-known Democrat appeared on MSNBC wearing full tactical Kevlar (branded "Resist-Armor™ by Patagonia") to declare: "If you are currently using your leased Tesla as a battering ram against the fascist oppressors who are just trying to do paperwork, please know that those oppressors may respond with disproportionate levels of not dying. We must protect our right to attempted murder from the tyranny of self-preservation."
The White House has responded by quietly floating the "Safe Smashing Act of 2026," which would:
Create 47 new "Accelerated Expression Zones" where citizens can aim 2-ton vehicles at law enforcement with zero legal jeopardy
Mandate that all ICE agents wear "Please Don't Hit Me" hi-vis vests
Provide free emotional-support possums to anyone who experiences "near-accountability distress" after a failed vehicular assault
At publishing time, the Democratic National Committee had just dropped its emergency winter merch line:
"My Other Car is a Getaway Vehicle… That Got Away with Nothing" bumper sticker
"I Brake for Human Rights (But Not for Consequences)" enamel pin
Limited-edition "Survived Attempted Felony with Only Mild PTSD" participation trophy mug.
Final quote from anonymous source inside the resistance:
"If we can't even commit low-speed attempted homicide in peace anymore, what was the whole revolution for?"
Indeed.
https://armageddonprose.substack.com/p/dystopian-science-fiction-vs-the
Credit to this guy (and a commenter on an article I published at PJ Media recently) for the apropos insertion of Orwellian psychology into the discourse.
"It was always the women, and above all the young ones, who were the most bigoted adherents of the Party, the swallowers of slogans, the amateur spies and nosers-out of unorthodoxy."
-George Orwell, 1984
"The phenomenon of feral anti-ICE Karens currently running riot across the country is what happens when childless women — who don't believe in God or anything else but are starved for meaning — decide, spurred by savior complexes instilled in them via culture, to adopt society as their children and turn an entire country into their infants to be protected from the bad men.
…The bad men who, in this context, per Social Justice™ dogma, are white men trying to fend off the … invaders lured into every Western country by the globalist power structure in order to undermine and rot them from within ahead of consolidation into a sprawling techno-dystopia free of the vestiges of national sovereignty.
In other words, ICE is the perfect bogeyman to coax the anti-ICE Karens, facilitated by both literal and de facto state media, into full-on psychosis, which is what we are seeing unfold."