News that up to 50 universities in England could shutter within the next two to three years has sparked the usual hand-wringing: "Crisis!" cry the vice-chancellors, clutching their oat milk lattes. "Turmoil!" echo the education correspondents, who seem to view higher education less as a pursuit of truth and more as a subsidised jobs program for the ideologically compliant. The Office for Students (OfS) warns of 24 at immediate risk, with the total dropping from 423 providers to a "mere" 373, a figure the Guardian frames as apocalyptic. But let's pause the pearl-clutching. Is this really such a catastrophe? Or is it the long-overdue culling of a bloated, broken system that's been churning out debt-slaves and grievance studies majors for decades? Spoiler: It's the latter. And if 50 closures are a "serious challenge," why stop there? Why not close the lot and start over? In an era of policy madness, from Europe's migrant rape forests to the green energy con, this academic apocalypse could be the reset button higher education desperately needs. Fewer unis? More wisdom. No unis? Pure liberation.
The Rot at the Core: From Polytechnics to Indoctrination Mills
The decline isn't a bolt from the blue; it's the inevitable implosion of a sector engineered for failure. Back in the halcyon days of post-war Britain, we had just two ancient universities, Oxford and Cambridge, producing thinkers, not TikTok influencers. Fast-forward to Tony Blair's 1997 pledge to shove 50% of young people into higher ed, and suddenly every technical college and further education outpost was rebranded a "university," pumping out degrees in Event Management and Forensic Psychology like they were going out of style. The result? A market-driven farce where institutions chase international student fees (now curtailed by visa crackdowns) and load kids with £267 billion in loans, set to balloon to £500 billion by the 2040s.
Value for money? Laughable. Repayment rates hover at 27-32% for Plan 2 loans, with only 68% of the average balance ever clawed back. Graduates emerge fluent in intersectionality but flummoxed by basic grammar. And the ideological capture? Universities as "Guardian indoctrination camps," per one commenter, churning out activists who glue themselves to roads rather than building them. We've got skills shortages in plumbing and coding, filled by immigrants, while our youth rack up debt in "useless" subjects that dim the lights of identity politics. No wonder 50 are teetering: They're not educating; they're exploiting.
The Case for 50 Closures: Less Is More
The OfS's alarmism — "collapse," "turmoil" — is pure Claptrap, as the Sceptic's Toby Young might say, link below. Dropping to 373 providers? That's still a surfeit. Historically, England thrived with a handful of elite institutions; now, we've got 423 degree factories, each a monument to Blairite hubris. Closures could be a mercy kill: Repurpose those sprawling campuses — once Victorian asylums or wartime barracks — into housing for the homeless or even... vocational colleges. Imagine: Student halls turned into affordable rentals, lecture theatres into welding shops. Job losses for the overpaid admin class? Collateral damage in the war for relevance.
And the societal upside? Fewer graduates means fewer baristas with philosophy PhDs whining about "toxic masculinity." It forces a pivot to apprenticeships and polytechnics — practical training that actually builds things, not just X threads. As one commenter quips: "We need fewer, better graduates and more vocational training." The debt bomb defuses, taxpayers save billions, and — miracle of miracles — degrees regain prestige. Only the crème de la crème get in, studying classics or computer science, not "Criminology for Influencers."
Why Not the Lot? Close Them Down and Build Anew!
But 50? That's tinkering. If the system's this rotten, why not torch the lot? Picture a Britain, and Australia, with zero universities — hyperbole, sure, but hear us out! Education isn't a commodity, as the article laments; it's a sacred pursuit of virtue, truth, and beauty. Universities commodified it into a racket: Loans replace grants, turning kids into indentured servants while unis balloon into bureaucratic behemoths. Close 'em all, and what rises from the ashes?
Decentralised Learning Hubs: Community colleges and online platforms (think Khan Academy on steroids) for bite-sized, affordable skills. No more £9k-a-year echo chambers — master welding via YouTube, ethics via podcasts.
Elite Revival: Fund a handful of Oxbridge-style redoubts for the truly gifted, subsidised for the poor but merit-based. The rest? Apprenticeships with pay, not debt — Germany's model, but without the sauerkraut.
Cultural Rebirth: Without uni's "PC wokery," we reclaim wisdom from the ruins. English departments that teach Shakespeare, not "decolonising the canon." Philosophy that ponders the good life, not gender fluidity.
The naysayers wail: "What about access?" Access to what — mediocrity? We've already got 50% enrolment; pushing 100% just dilutes the pool. And the "terrible blow" to research? Most "research" is grant-chasing drivel anyway — better funded via private labs or crowdfunded curiosities.
The Madness of Half-Measures: Echoes of Broader Delusions
This uni fiasco is Exhibit Z in the ledger of elite folly. Like Europe's "refuge" turning Balkan trails into rape corridors — luring women with promises of safety only to expose them to serial predation — we've sold higher ed as a golden ticket, delivering debt and delusion instead. Or the climate cult's "transition" mirage, where windmills fail and coal creeps back, just as unis' "market model" crumbles under its own weight. Half-measures — capping visas here, bailing out a few there — prolong the pain. A full purge? It's the intellectual equivalent of controlled demolition: Painful, but paving the way for something sturdy.
UK Universities Minister Jacqui Smith calls it a "challenge." No, it's karma. The sector gorged on expansion, spat out undereducated activists, and now faces the bill. If 50 closures are "imminent," let's make it 500; 5,000 and counting. Shut the lot, reclaim the libraries for real learning, and let the West remember: True education doesn't need a campus; it needs curiosity.