Climate science has suffered a devastating blow this week after researchers revealed the unthinkable: polar bears in parts of the Arctic are getting fatter.
Not thinner.
Not skeletal.
Not floating on melting ice floes clutching UN climate reports.
Fatter.
Naturally, scientists rushed to explain why this does not undermine the collapse narrative in any way, shape or form. According to official statements, the bears are "adapting" by diversifying their diets, hunting more walrus, reindeer, and seabirds — proof, we are told, that climate change both destroys ecosystems and improves them simultaneously, depending on paragraph placement.
But sceptics know better.
This smells less like ecology and more like Big Pharma.
Sources close to the Arctic (i.e., vibes) suggest pharmaceutical giants have been secretly trialling next-generation weight-control drugs on polar bears — partly to prove the drugs work even on apex predators, and partly because bears lack lawyers.
"Human trials are messy," said one anonymous executive. "But if you can stabilise a 600-kilogram murder mammal on semaglutide, middle-aged accountants should be easy."
This explains everything: the glossy coats, the improved body condition, the bears' sudden refusal to eat anything not labelled organic seal pâté. It also explains why polar bears are now being seen staring into the middle distance with the flat, haunted look previously exclusive to Ozempic users.
Meanwhile, climate scientists insist the bears are merely responding to environmental pressures by altering feeding behaviour — but sceptics point out this is exactly what Pfizer's marketing department says about humans.
Arctic Wellness Programs Rolled OutIn response to the "unexpected robustness" of the bears, environmental NGOs have announced Phase Two of their climate response strategy: fitness infrastructure.
Each remaining ice floe will be fitted with:
Solar-powered treadmills
Seal-oil protein shakes
Mindfulness pods
A motivational poster reading: "Every step melts less ice."
The bears, previously accustomed to roaming thousands of kilometres in hostile terrain while hunting live prey, will now be encouraged to "move intentionally" while listening to guided meditations about sustainable living and body positivity.
"This isn't about exercise," said one NGO spokesperson. "It's about bear wellness — physical, emotional, and narrative alignment."
Climate Change Solves the Obesity CrisisResearchers have offered a competing theory: polar bears are thriving because decades of conservation have created a booming population of walrus, seals, and reindeer — effectively turning the Arctic into an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Which raises an awkward question.
If climate change is destroying ecosystems, why does the ecosystem currently resemble a Viking feast hall?
Scientists reassure us that this is merely a temporary ecological anomaly, meaning the bears are doing well now, but will eventually be starving later, which is the most comforting possible outcome for a predictive science.
Climate sceptics, however, note that this looks suspiciously like the standard pattern:
1.Predict collapse.
2.Observe improvement.
3.Explain improvement as a new form of collapse.
Emergency Narrative RecalibrationMedia outlets have responded responsibly by emphasising that these bears are only thriving in some regions, and that somewhere else, possibly, another bear might be struggling emotionally.
"We must avoid simplistic conclusions," said one climate analyst, carefully explaining that fat polar bears are actually evidence of ecological stress, because thriving is not the same as flourishing, and flourishing is not the same as surviving, and surviving is not the same as thriving, and all four are signs of collapse if viewed correctly.
Another expert clarified that polar bears gaining weight doesn't mean climate change isn't real — it just means reality is complicated, nonlinear, counterintuitive, region-specific, temporally variable, and politically inconvenient.
Which, oddly, is also how economists describe inflation when prices go up after stimulus spending.
Polar Bears Accused of Climate DenialActivists have begun accusing the bears themselves of complicity.
"These animals are undermining public trust in climate science by refusing to starve," said one protest organiser. "This sets a dangerous precedent. What if other species start thriving too?"
Some campaigners have demanded bears be relocated to regions where outcomes better align with climate change alarmist projections.
Others have proposed re-educating them.
"We're not saying the bears should be thinner," said a spokesperson. "We're saying they should look thinner, for the good of the narrative."
New Bear Diet: Keto, Paleo, or Walrus?Dieticians have entered the debate, noting that polar bears now appear to be following a strict carnivore-keto-paleo hybrid diet, consisting almost entirely of high-fat marine mammals, which ironically resembles the eating habits of Silicon Valley podcasters who distrust climate models.
"This suggests bears may be listening to Joe Rogan," warned one expert gravely.
Some researchers speculate that polar bears are exploiting ecological shifts by targeting walrus haul-outs — effectively replacing long-range seal hunting with stationary buffet raids.
In other words, polar bears have discovered DoorDash.
The Unthinkable PossibilityThere remains one deeply unsettling possibility:
that large, intelligent, mobile predators are not passive victims of environmental change but active agents, capable of adaptation, learning, and opportunism.
This theory has been rejected by consensus science as dangerously close to suggesting that nature is not fragile glassware but a dynamic system — a claim that could undermine decades of PowerPoint slides.
If animals adapt, then catastrophe becomes conditional rather than guaranteed, probabilistic rather than cinematic — and nothing terrifies modern institutions more than complexity that refuses to cooperate with slogans.
Conclusion: Call the Treadmill TechniciansIn summary:
Polar bears are getting fatter.
Climate scientists say this proves climate change.
Activists say this proves climate change differently.
Big Pharma may or may not be dosing apex predators with injectable lifestyle solutions.
NGOs are installing treadmills on ice floes.
Walruses are nervous.
Reindeer are missing.
The bears look great.
And none of this, apparently, should cause anyone to update any priors whatsoever.
Still, let's not rush to judgement.
The bears may be thriving now — but with the right combination of policy intervention, pharmaceutical optimisation, narrative discipline, and treadmill deployment, there's still time to fix that. Just like they "fix" us.