Here our wide brown land of vegemite and venomous critters, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, affectionately dubbed "Commissar Albo" by his detractors, has taken his government's draconian social media ban for under-16s on a world tour. At a slick side event during the UN General Assembly in New York, Europe's Ursula von der Leyen hailed Australia's "bold" move as "plain common sense," vowing to assemble a panel of experts to study it for EU adoption. Albo declared the legislation is "where the world is going." It's a masterclass in nanny-state diplomacy: Export your overreach as enlightenment. But beneath the applause lurks a darker tale, Australia's eSafety overlords morphing into global evangelists, peddling age-gated internet as the cure for cyber ills. In this post, we'll trace the ban's bumpy birth, its UN roadshow, and the chilling ripple effects: A blueprint for worldwide web walls, where "protecting kids" paves the path to pervasive control.
Australia's saga started with tragedy: The 2023 suicides of teens Molly Ticehurst and Alex Lang, both tormented online, ignited a firestorm. Enter the "eSafety Commissioner," a quasi-cop for the net, whose powers, fines up to 6% of global revenue for non-compliance, already made Meta and TikTok sweat. By November 2024, Parliament rammed through the Online Safety Amendment (Social Media Minimum Age) Bill: No accounts for under-16s, full stop, effective December 10, 2025. Platforms must deploy AI and behavioural sleuthing, not blanket biometrics, to gatekeep, with exemptions for educational YouTube (later axed amid cries of favouritism).
Rationale? Noble on paper: Shield kids from bullying, grooming, and radicalisation. Albo touted it as a "crucial step" against evolving threats. But critics, from the Electronic Frontier Foundation to Aussie libertarians, scream censorship: Teens will VPN their way around (hello, shadows), while enforcement chills free expression. X erupts with mockery, "eKaren" for the meddlesome eSafety enforcers, fretting over Big Brother's backdoor to broader bans. As one post quips, it's "not foolproof, but a step toward the gulag."
Enter the global stage: On September 24, amid the UNGA's pomp, Albo hosted "Protecting Children in the Digital Age," a powwow to pitch the ban as a beacon. Von der Leyen, mother of seven and grandma of five, gushed: "Inspired by Australia's example... plain common sense." She pledged an EU expert panel, signalling a "digital majority age" for socials,echoing calls from member states.
The room buzzed: Reuters notes governments and Big Tech eyeing implementation, AI age-guessing as the tech fix du jour. ABC and SMH frame it as "world-leading," with von der Leyen dubbing Australia "an example of what determined countries can do." But Macrobusiness sneers: "Commissar Albo takes eKaren global," a "draconian" diktat ripe for export. X amplifies the alarm: Posts decry it as a "model for minors' muzzles," with one tying it to EU fines on Google ad monopolies as the real surveillance starter.
Australia's not content with island isolation, it's seeding a censor-syndicate. The UN gig? A soft-power slam-dunk, with von der Leyen's nod priming EU action. France and Germany mull mirrors; the UK's Online Safety Act already mandates age assurance, eyeing 16 as the line. Canada's former PM Trudeau, ever the progressive pal, whispers support; even the US, amid COPPA tweaks, watches warily. The Hindu and Daily Maverick spotlight the "world-first" as a contagion catalyst: "Up to us to step up," von der Leyen intoned.
Critics forecast fallout: Medianama warns of inconsistent carve-outs (YouTube's July 2025 inclusion reeks of favouritism). X threads fret enforcement, fines as the cudgel, evasion via proxies the counter. One user: "Von der Leyen eyeing bans? Australia's the canary in the coal mine." Broader? A slippery slope to adult audits, where "child safety" justifies swathes of surveillance.
Albo's UN jaunt isn't altruism, it's ambition, laundering local overreach as leadership. Von der Leyen's applause? A velvet glove on the iron fist of EU digital dominion. Australia's "bold" ban risks a global blueprint: Nations nodding to noble ends, blind to erosive means. Kids deserve shields, not shackles, but when eKarens go global, the web weaves tighter. Time to unplug the propaganda: True safety starts with sense, not surveillance. Time for parents to deal with their kids and the internet, not all of us! And time to vote out the technocratic tyrants!
https://www.macrobusiness.com.au/2025/09/commissar-albo-takes-ekaren-global/