Ah, the sweet smell of communist revolution in the air, or is that just the lingering scent of artisanal soy lattes from the latest Leftist protest café? In this era of enlightened activism, where every tweet is a manifesto and every hashtag a battle cry, it's time to reimagine one of history's most explosive figures: Guy Fawkes.
But not the dusty old Catholic plotter from 1605, oh no. We're talking about a modern woke version, let's call them Guy "They/Them" Fawkes, a non-binary eco-warrior with a pronouns pin, a reusable "gunpowder" keg (not real gunpowder, but non-harmful woke vegan substitutes), and a burning (pun intended) desire to symbolically torch the system. Not for king and country, mind you, but for justice, equity, and a carbon-neutral apocalypse.
Picture this: our hero, clad in a sustainably sourced V for Vendetta mask made from recycled hemp, sneaks into the metaphorical bowels of Parliament under the cover of a TikTok blackout challenge. Why? Because the system is broken! It's not just about blowing up the building anymore, it's about deconstructing it. Philosophically and figuratively.
In the original Gunpowder Plot, Fawkes and his crew wanted to off King James I and his Protestant pals to restore Catholic rule. Boring, right? So patriarchal, so binary. Our updated version? Guy 2.0 is here to dismantle colonial, heteronormative power structures that oppress marginalised voices, like those of Indigenous activists, Palestinian solidarity marchers, and anyone who's ever been triggered by a microaggression in Question Time.
Enter Senator Lidia Thorpe, whose recent metaphorical remark about "burning down Parliament House" to make a point on Palestine sparked headlines. It's the perfect inspiration for a modern woke Fawkes moment. In the woke playbook, that's not a physical threat, it's performance art. It's intersectional arson, a fiery turn of phrase meant to ignite debate, not buildings. No violence please; that is so patriarchal.
Why settle for peaceful protests when you can go full Bonfire of the Vanities, on Instagram Live, of course? "Fam, we're not lighting matches; we're igniting conversations about systemic racism, climate denial, and why the Prime Minister's tie is cultural appropriation." Hashtags like #BurnBabyBurnDecolonize, #ParliamentPrivilegeCheck, and #FireForFreedom would trend faster than a Kardashian scandal.
Of course, our modern Fawkes isn't some reckless pyromaniac. No, no, this is ethical destruction, pure postmodern deconstruction, not destruction. The "gunpowder"? Vegan and gluten-free, sourced from fair-trade non-fireworks factories in conflict-free zones, and non-explosive, because that would be male violence.
The plotters? A diverse coalition: a queer Indigenous elder, a vegan climate scientist, a non-binary barista with a degree in gender studies, and that one straight white commo ally who's there to hold the kale smoothies. Before any symbolic action, they'd hold a pre-blast sensitivity training session to ensure no one's feelings get hurt, except maybe the politicians', but hey, they've got privilege to cushion the fall.
And tactics? Back in 1605 it was barrels under the House of Lords, quaint, but inefficient. Today? Perhaps a viral petition on Change.org: "Sign here to symbolically burn Parliament — proceeds go to Gaza relief!"
The goal isn't actual flames (safety first, and think of the carbon footprint); it's metaphorical fire. Burn down outdated ideas! Incinerate the status quo! Reduce toxic masculinity to ashes! Symbolic of course.
Critics, like those stuffy Labor MPs clutching their pearls, might call it "irresponsible" or "dangerous." Pfft. That's just the patriarchy talking. Remember, in the woke revolution, words are violence, but violence is… well, expressive therapy?
Senator Thorpe's fiery Leftist rhetoric, not literal fire, is a cry for justice wrapped in the cosy blanket of solidarity. And if Parliament ever did go up in woke smoke, symbolically, of course, imagine the rebuild: a solar-powered utopia with gender-neutral bathrooms, mandatory diversity quotas for MPs, and a rooftop garden growing only heirloom tomatoes from Palestinian seeds. For Senator Thorpe, this would be true peace, at last!
Disclaimer
This essay is a work of political satire and commentary. It uses humour and exaggeration to critique public figures, media narratives, and political culture. Any references to real individuals or institutions are based on publicly reported material and are presented for commentary purposes only. No allegation of unlawful conduct or genuine threat is made or implied. Not by me or any of us anyway.
This satire forms part of legitimate public discussion on political matters and is protected under the implied constitutional freedom of political communication recognised by the High Court of Australia: Lange v Australian Broadcasting Corporation (1997) and later cases) No person or institution was harmed — or even slightly singed — in the writing of this essay. (That is satire as well!)